Friday, April 26, 2013

Too Many Trips to the Doctor

What a crazy April I have been having. School, work and family have been taking up most of my time. While none of this is out of the ordinary April has brought us some obstacles that I never saw coming.

It all started when my daughter got pink eye. The pink eye cleared up with drops and we thought that would be the end of it. Man were we wrong. A few days after her eyes cleared she started coughing. Nothing serious at first but it was enough to concern me. Took her to the doctor and he told us she had a cold. Not even 24 hours later her cough was worse and she had a temperature of 103. My husband and I took her to the ER where they told us again that she only had a cold. While my mother's instinct told me something more was wrong I went ahead and took the doctor's word. Two days later my daughter still has a fever and can't stop coughing. All she wanted to do was snuggle with me or her daddy. She wasn't herself at all. I took her back to the doctor and they found that she had a double ear infection. I also asked the doctor to test her for RSV which came back positive. RSV can lead to pneumonia and other lung issues. I was told that all she needed was antibiotics for the ear infection. So we went home and started our medication regiment. After two more days she wasn't getting any better so it was back to the doctor. I was at my wit's end. I told my husband that the doctor better do more for her because I would freak out on someone if they told me she was fine. Thankfully the doctor took one look at her and knew that something more serious was wrong. He tested her oxygen level and it was at 83. Normally your oxygen levels are in the high 90s and if they dip down below 94 you are put in the hospital. The doctor sent us to the hospital where my baby stayed for two nights. Those two nights were the worse of my life. While I was grateful that my daughter was getting all the help and care she needed I was terrified that something else might happen or that she wouldn't recover.

Thankfully my daughter pounced back fast and we were able to take her home. We had to do a few days of breathing treatments at home but she is in perfect health now. I hope I never have to take my daughter to the hospital again. It broke my heart to see her with an IV and oxygen tubing. She was so miserable the whole time we were there. I have never been more thankful that my daughter is generally in good health and doesn't normally get sick.

The whole ordeal with the hospital made me think about my mother. I mostly wondered how could a mother walk away from her children. My husband and I took turns going home and showering while our daughter was ill. If I didn't have my husband though I would never have left the hospital. It kills me to leave my daughter so I can go to school or work. What if she gets hurt while I'm gone?? Or what if she does something new and I miss it?? I cannot understand how my mother was able to trust someone she didn't know to raise her kids. Thankfully my brother and I didn't have any major health problems. My brother did break his arm once but he didn't spend any time in the hospital. My mother missed my prom and graduation. She didn't wipe my tears the first time my heart was broken or when the kids at school were mean. My mother missed and continues to miss everything. She hasn't met my husband or my daughter. Both of her children are married and starting their adult lives. I cannot grasp how my mother could miss so much.

I understand that addiction is all consuming and that in the deepest parts of addiction you don't care about anyone or anything other than your drug of choice. What baffles me though is why someone wouldn't want to get better for the sake of her children. My mother has expressed on numerous occasions that she wishes she hadn't missed as much as she did. But if she really felt that way why did she continue to miss important milestones?? Why did she continue in her addiction?? 

I have no answers to these questions. What I do know is that I will there for my daughter when she needs me. If that means she needs a cheerleader, a protector or any of the other many things that a mother is I will be there. I can't even imagine not putting my daughter first. Maybe instead of focusing on the fact that my mother wasn't there for me I should focus on what that taught me. I learned how much it hurt to not have my mother there and I will never cause my daughter that type of pain.

Taya

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